Trump's Implied Standup Set: A Satirical Look at Power

The New Yorker published a satirical piece on November 9, 2026, that imagines Donald Trump performing a standup comedy routine. The text presents a fictional monologue where the President engages an audience with jokes about intelligence, wealth, and his time in office. The piece uses direct address to the crowd to set up punchlines that reference his public persona and specific political moments.

In the opening lines of the imagined set, the comedian asks the audience how many dumb people are present. He notes that raising a hand to answer the question proves the point. He claims to love the group because they provide the necessary contrast for his use of complex vocabulary. He points out that the word dictionary contains the word dick, a linguistic observation he says earns him affection from lexicographers who view his word choice as free promotion for their industry.

The monologue moves to observations about the physical appearance of audience members. He comments on seeing hot women in the room but states he cannot judge the men because they are sitting on their own backs. He singles out James Talarico, the editor who wrote the piece, claiming the man likely has a small rear because he has a small face. Talarico is quoted in the text responding, Wow, that’s very kind of you. Thank you.

The comedian then shifts the topic to dining at Mar-a-Lago, describing the venue as a more expensive version of the Cheesecake Factory. He claims his lunch is free while his dining companions must take out loans to afford their meals. He describes guests arriving in limousines and departing in three-wheeled Volkwagens. He tells the crowd that he encourages these friends by telling them if he can do it, they can do it, noting they interpret his financial struggles as the best kind of bankruptcy.

A specific anecdote involves a lunch with a big tech executive. The comedian asks the man to pass the salt. The executive responds, Pardon me? The comedian says, So I did. He uses this interaction to highlight the perceived arrogance of the tech sector. He then asks how many people in the crowd have a free plane from the Qataris, noting that no one raises a hand. He asks where the audience came from, joking that it must be Ukraine.

The routine continues with a discussion of luxury goods and vocabulary. He mentions a guest who could not pay for dessert, prompting the comedian to take the man's watch as payment. He praises the item as a beautiful timepiece, arguing that most people simply call it a clock or a watch. He reiterates that his use of the word timepiece is another example of the dictionary people loving him for his word choices.

The comedian addresses his education, stating he holds two bachelor's degrees. He identifies the first as from the University of Pennsylvania and the second as from the women he dated. He claims these women begged him to take the degree, telling him he was the greatest bachelor. He notes that the presidency prevents him from dating due to the number of eyeballs on him. He points out that the word eyeballs contains the word balls, a pattern he attributes to his own discovery.

The imagined set closes with the comedian acknowledging other acts scheduled to perform. He predicts the audience will want him back after seeing them. He asks the crowd to give him a like on Instagram, noting that he likes likes. He poses the question of whether one can like a like, asserting that he is the guy who said that. He concludes by addressing the question of why he does not quit the presidency to do standup full time, stating that he would, but he likes the money.